


Keep Breathing

by fandommatchmaker19



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 21:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18396638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandommatchmaker19/pseuds/fandommatchmaker19
Summary: She’d never seen him this broken, this devastated, and she’s shaken to her core by it.“It’s all my fault… it was all my fault,” he mumbles against her shoulder, voice broken and shaky.After a call, Lucas finally unravels and breaks.





	Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madnephelite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/gifts).



> WARNING!!! TISSSUES WILL BE REQUIRED. Enjoy!  
> xx

There isn’t much she can do at the moment but hold him, her arms wrapped tightly around him, her body pressed close to his. His face is buried in the crook of her neck and she can feel his tears soak her t-shirt as he clings to her desperately. She can feel his body shake with sobs and she threads her fingers through his hair, her lips brushing against his skin, pressing soft kisses of comfort. She’d never seen him this broken, this devastated, and she’s shaken to her core by it.

“It’s all my fault… it was all my fault,” he mumbles against her shoulder, voice broken and shaky. Vic presses a kiss to his neck before pulling slightly away to look into his eyes and her heart breaks all over again when she sees the raw emotion and vulnerability in his tear-filled and red-rimmed blue eyes. She shakes her head as her fingers wipe away the tears on his face.

“No, no, Luke, no,” she whispers softly. “It wasn’t your fault, you have to know that,” she says, but she can see that he doesn’t quite believe her. So, Vic just holds him and hopes that he can forgive himself.

* * *

She’s on shift when they get called to a structure fire. It’s a row of terrace houses, and one of them had caught fire though it spread to the two adjacent to it as well. Stations 7 and 12 were already there, working on the active fire, and 23 was on triage. Vic could easily spot a familiar red SUV with the emblem of the SFD and sirens on the roof. Lucas, on the other hand wasn’t anywhere near it and Vic chuckled. Many chiefs and bat chiefs preferred to be by their vehicle when running a scene, but Lucas wasn’t like that.

She hopped out of the driver’s seat of the engine and joined the others, and finally spotted him with a few crews from 12. The crews scrambled towards the structures just as her team assembled beside him.

“Chief!” they chorus and Vic looks up to meet his gaze. His face is covered in ash and soot and he looks absolutely exhausted, having been at the scene for a while, but his eyes meet hers and Vic is a little struck by how blue they are. Her lips quirk up in a smile and his gaze lingers a little longer on her than necessary.

“19, good that you’re here. I need Gibson, Herrera, Montgomery and Miller to divide into groups of two and assist in the offensive. Hughes and Warren, do a sweep of the B-side building and start venting. Sullivan, take Bishop, and start cutting strip on the roof of D-side building. Get to it!” he orders them and the rest of them scramble towards the building, fitting on their SCBA gear as they go. Warren grabs both of theirs and jerks his head towards Ripley. Vic knows that they’d agreed to be professional at work, but they’d thrown professional out the window since the beginning.

“I’m surprised you’re letting me go into the building,” she says from behind him and she sees him jump slightly. He turns towards her, but doesn’t quite meet her gaze. She knows he does this because he’s compartmentalizing, so he tries not to let emotion in, but she deflates a little.

He purses his lips, and looks down, so Vic brushes her fingers against his wrist, forcing him to look at her.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m a big girl,” she says, smirking at him. He steps closer to her.

“I can’t not worry. I just can’t watch you- just be careful, alright?” he says, fingers brushing against her shoulder. The gesture is casual, but Vic knows it’s also a way of comfort for Lucas, so she smiles in return and brushes her own fingers against his arm. “Now, go, Hughes!” he orders her, going back to being Chief, but Vic can see the hint of amusement and fondness in his gaze. She turns to go, but stops for a second and turns to him.

“Lucas?” she whispers and he turns immediately. She meets his gaze. There really isn’t any need for her to say it, but she does. “Take care, I love you.” Calmness seeps through Lucas’ stoic expression and his lisp curl into a small smile. He steps forward and Vic thinks he might kiss her, but instead he touches her shoulder.

“You too, Victoria. I love you,” he says and then he turns and races over to the other building while Vic catches up with Warren.

“Took you long enough,” the not-so-rookie rookie says as he hands her the SCBA gear. Vic rolls her eyes.

“Shush,” she says as she puts it on and races Warren to the building.

* * *

They’d finished sweeping the building when Lucas radioed in for a check in.

“All companies working, we’re at 45% containment. What’s your status, report!”

Station 12 reports they’re okay, continuing the offensive attack while station 7 apparently found a civilian inside D-side building. Bishop and Sullivan reporting they were fine too, and the reports from the others also said okay.

“We’re A-okay, Chief!” she shouts into the radio just as it crackles. Vic glances over at Warren. “We just finished the sweep. This structure is all clear!” she adds, but it doesn’t seem like anyone heard her. She exchanges a worried glance with Warren just as the building shakes to the side that’s adjacent to the primary building.

“Should we evacuate?” Warren asks just as Vic sees the possibility for a vent. Vic shakes her head, motioning for Warren to follow her. “Vic maybe you should get out of here?”

“And leave you here all alone? No freaking way,” she says. “C’mon, Warren.”

Ben just shakes his head and the two start venting.

Standing closer to the adjacent building made them both realize that the other building was the one shaking.

“Okay, we’re done,” Warren says, looking over at Vic.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” she says and they both turn to exit.

Then, there’s an explosion and Vic can feel herself being thrown sideways, crashing into Warren, who covers her with his body. Glass rains down on them and Vic can hear shouting, the sound of sirens from the outside. Finally, it seems to be over and Warren rolls off her, so Vic sits up.

“Okay, now we really need to get out of here,” she says, getting up, brushing tiny fragments of glass off her turnout jacket. “You good?” she asks and Warren nods.

“You?”

“All good,” she says as Warren stands up.

Then, the radio crackles to life and Vic can clearly hear the emotion in Lucas’ voice.

“-Hughes! Warren! Are you okay? Report! Are you okay?” his voice sounds hoarse and Vic glances over at Warren who just frowns.

“We’re okay!” she says back. “We just lost radio connection! We vented and we’re gonna make our way down now!”

She hears the relief in his voice when he says, “good, get the hell out of that building, it’s clearly unstable!”

“Copy that!” she says and follows Warren out of the building.

When they exit the building, the scene is chaos. She can see that the D-side building is gone, but Sullivan and Bishop are on the ground with the others. Lucas is shouting at some captain and she notices that the primary building is in flames, Herrera and Gibson directing hoses at it.

“Vic!” Travis calls out, rushing towards them with oxygen which he immediately hands her, but she rolls her eyes.

“Thanks for the concern, Montgomery,” Warren deadpans. Travis fits the oxygen mask over Vic’s mouth and she takes a few much needed gulps of air before handing it to Warren.

Then, Lucas turns to face them and Vic sees the relief written all over his face. She nods at him, steps forwards, and he steps forward too, but pauses.  

“Sir! We have drone feed!” Bishop yelled, running over to him and Sullivan, a tablet in her hands. Lucas freezes and turns to her, fists clenching at his sides. Vic looks questioningly to Travis.

“Firefighter from 12 found the source of the fire. Chief ordered immediate evacuation, but he couldn’t… Chief had to order him to stay in the building when flashover hit,” Travis whispers, his gaze trained on Vic who was watching Lucas. Vic then glanced at Maya, and felt her stomach drop. “They sent the drone to scout, to see if…” Travis gulps and trails off.

Lucas leans towards the tablet Bishop’s holding and she sees him freeze momentarily. Then, he turns to them and Vic sees that his eyes are devoid of emotion, expression stoic.

“Dearborn!” he calls and Dearborn comes over, face covered in ash and soot, a sheet of sweat covering her face.

“Yes, sir!” she says, straightening herself.

“We’re going to do recovery for Chavez,” he says and Vic watches as realization dawns on her. “Alright, Herrera, Dearborn and Gibson with me. Containment’s at 70%. Montgomery, Hughes, Miller, Bishop and Warren work on that exterior attack. Bishop, you’re in charge. Sullivan, watch over 7 on the primary building. 23 is on triage.”

“Yes, sir,” they all chorus and disperse. Meanwhile, the recovery team fits on their gear and follows him inside.

Vic grabs her own SCBA gear, though she doesn’t fully put it on, and joins the others on the exterior attack, directing the hose towards the primary building. Bishop and Miller are hitting from the A-side, Montgomery and herself from the D-side, Warren and another firefighter from 23 on the C-side, and two others were hitting from the B-side.

“Get the press out of here!” Sullivan shouts to an officer and Vic sees the police cruisers push the press vans back and form a sort of shield, but she knows the press will still get a glimpse when the recovery team will come out.

“We’re at 80% containment, sir!” Bishop shouts into the radio just as four firefighters emerge from the collapsed, burned down D-side building, carrying a body between them.

Immediately, the firefighters stop their exterior attack and align together, forming two straight lines. They all take their helmets off and bow their heads. Two firefighters from 12 bring out a gurney, meeting Lucas, Herrera, Gibson and Dearborn. Vic’s eyes are trained on Lucas, who looks pale beneath the ash and soot that coat his face. Herrera and Gibson are white as sheet and Dearborn is clearly crying. And, then, Vic hears a strangled yell and turns to find a woman race towards the honor guard, towards the four firefighters emerging from the building. Ryan tries to stop her, but she’s fast and he just lets her race to the gurney they’d laid Chavez on. She starts sobbing as soon as she sees him, hysterically, and Vic can see why. Chavez’ face is almost completely burned off and there’s dried blood all over his uniform. Someone inhales sharply. Herrera and Gibson join the honor guard while Dearborn just stands to the side. Another firefighter from 12 approaches Dearborn and the two of them stand closely together.

“Ma’am, I am so very sorry,” Lucas says softly, laying one hand on her shoulder. “Martin died in the line of duty, sacrificing himself to save everyone here. He was a hero,” he adds somberly. “I am so sorry,” he repeats.

Vic has no idea who Martin Chavez is, but Lucas clearly does by the look on his face.

The woman sobs and turns to Lucas, letting him wrap his arms around her as she continues crying hysterically while someone zips up the body bag.

Vic doesn’t hear what the woman says at first, she’s not very close, but then she does as the woman’s hysterical cries become louder.

“This is all your fault! You’re the Chief! Martin always said you are responsible for everything that happens to the firefighters! And, now he’s dead! And, it’s all your fault!” She continues to sob, repeating ‘this is all your fault’ while pounding on the Chief. Lucas just lets her, defeated, and Vic lets out an audible gasp. Travis flashes her a concerned look. She knows Lucas will blame himself regardless. She glances over to see that the police officers are trying to keep the press away, and knows the media will jump at the opportunity to see what is happening. And, then, the captain of 12 breaks from the honor guard and lays his hand gently on the woman’s shoulder, whispering softly as he pulls her away from Lucas. Lucas locks gazes with her, briefly letting her see the pain in his eyes, before joining the honor guard himself. Vic wants to hold him, but knows he won’t let her see him break on the scene. So, she just mouths, ‘I love you’ and joins the others in the offensive attack.

* * *

He’s halfway through reviewing budget reports when he gets called away to a three-alarm blaze. According to dispatch, it’s a row of terrace houses, and one of them caught ablaze, resulting in the two adjacent to it, on either side, to catch fire too. Lucas closes his office, grabs his phone and races downstairs.

He notes that station 23 is first to the scene, but station 7 arrives soon, too. He calls 12 as well and starts sending crews inside for interior attacks and sweeps as well as setting up a triage station. Once, station 12 gets there, he sends most of 23 on triage, and orders 12 to start venting on the D-side building.

He stays outside but close, ready to help anyone who needs him. He radios for a check in, “all companies working! We’re at 20% containment! What’s the status?” he demands, eyes flying up to the building.

“7 is A-okay, sir! All hands on deck, evacuated civilians and now doing a second sweep. King and Edmonds are venting!” Captain White from 7 reported.

“12 is A-okay, sir! Dearborn here! We’ve evacuated D-side and now are redoing the sweep for potentially flammable material, Forbes and Yang are on vent, I’ll join them soon, but we clearly need another company!”

“23’s all good, sir! We’re doing good!”

Lucas rolls his eyes and radios 19.

It takes Sullivan’s crew less than 4 minutes to get to the scene and Lucas immediately locks eyes with Victoria. He can see the excitement and mischief in her eyes and he rolls his eyes. _Leave it to Victoria to be excited about a fire,_ he thinks as he issues orders for 19, too, trying his hardest to avoid thinking of Victoria being in danger in any form.

[Vic being at the scene knocks the breath out of his lungs, throws him off his game].

“19, good that you’re here. I need Gibson, Herrera, Montgomery and Miller to divide into groups of two and assist in the offensive. Hughes and Warren, do a sweep of the B-side building and start venting. Sullivan, take Bishop, and start cutting strip on the roof of D-side building. Get to it!” He watches them race each other to the building and notices that Warren grabs two sets of SCBA gear, but stops halfway to the building. Lucas turns to go over Command Center when she speaks from behind him.

“I’m surprised you’re letting me go into the building,” she says from behind him and he jumps, startled. He turns to face her, but looks away immediately. [He can’t quite muster up the courage to face her]. She’s all excited and nervous, ready to run into that building.

“I’d rather you didn’t, but you keep telling me you’re not helpless. We agreed on this, so…” he trails off, lips quirking up into a small smile.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m a big girl,” she says, smirking at him. Lucas takes a step closer to Vic.

“I can’t not worry. I just can’t watch you- just be careful, alright?” he says, fingers brushing against her shoulder. [ _I just can’t watch you run into that building,_ he wants to say]. They don’t always have to speak, so Lucas settles for touching her, his fingers gently caressing her shoulder. From the corner of his eye, he sees Warren waiting impatiently. He doesn’t want to let her go, but he knows he has no choice. So, he straightens and says, “Now, go, Hughes!” though the amusement in his voice is still clear to her. She turns to go, but stops for a second. Lucas isn’t quite sure what to say.

“Lucas?” she whispers and he turns immediately. She meets his gaze and holds it steadily, always so steadily. There really isn’t any need for her to say it, he knows, but she does. “Take care, I love you.” Lucas sags with relief.

He steps forward and Vic and part of him wants to kiss her, but instead he touches her shoulder, knowing where they are, what they are doing.

“You too, Victoria. I love you,” he says and then he turns because he can’t watch her race into that building. 

He reminds himself he is Chief and he must separate the personal and the professional. [If only it were that easy].

Lucas refocuses his attention on the three simultaneous offensive attacks on the buildings. He notes that Herrera and Montgomery had paired up while Gibson was with Miller and that there was some clear tension between them and Dearborn from 12. Then, he focused his attention to Sullivan and Bishop who were getting ready to climb up 19’s ladder to the roof of the D-side building. Meanwhile, Victoria and Warren were sweeping the B-side building. Most of the station 12 crews were on the D-side building offensive while station 7 was on the B-side building offensive. And, of course, all stations were on the primary building offensive, though that one was mostly contained. Lucas radios in for a check in and gets the report that 12 is doing fine while someone from 7 had found a civilian inside the D-side building and were evacuating. Sullivan and Bishop were also fine.

The radio crackles then, just as he hears Victoria’s broken voice telling him that she and Warren are fine. Lucas clicks the radio, and shouts for her to repeat, but she doesn’t hear him. Panic surges through him as he shouts for her to respond, his voice raw and strained.

Then, Lucas looks up and finds that the corner of the D-side building is shaking while the primary building bursts into flames.

“Everybody in the primary structure, out now! Evacuate immediately, I mean it!” he shouts into the radio. He receives A-okays just as he notes that the D-side building is becoming more and more unstable. “Sullivan! Bishop! Do you copy?” he shouts, his eyes trained on the roof of the D-side building where his best friend is.

“Yes, sir!” Bishop responds.

“Get off that building! The structure is clearly unstable; you need to get down here right now!” he orders as firefighters pour out of the primary building and direct their hoses at it, switching for an offensive attack. “Anyone in the D-side building, get out right now!”

“Sir, Chavez from 12 found the source of the fire, he-”

“I said evacuate immediately! Everyone! Chavez, that includes you!” he yells flatly.

“Yes, sir!” is the response he receives and Lucas is momentarily relieved before he remembers that if the D-side and primary buildings explode, the B-side building will be affected. “Hughes! Warren! Respond! If you are in the B-side building, evacuate immediately! Hughes! Hughes, evacuate right now! Hu- _Victoria!_ ” he chokes out her name, feeling tears prickle at his eyes.

Lucas can’t breathe, he can feel his throat constricting as he continues shouting into the radio for her to get out, her name slipping out without thought. It takes him longer to get a grip of his emotions, pushing the part of him that is Lucas out of his mind, letting _the Chief_ take over.

He notes that firefighters are evacuating out of the D-side building, too, instead switching to an exterior attack. Sullivan and Bishop are already on the ground. And, then, the radio crackles and Lucas’ heartrate speeds up with apprehension, but it’s not Victoria’s voice he hears. It’s another firefighter and Lucas briefly calms down before focusing in on what the firefighter is saying.

“-Chief! It’s Chavez from 12 over here! I am trapped inside D-side building with no exit! Visibility is getting lower and-” the radio crackles and he’s cut off, and Lucas can hear him cough before he continues “-I need… I need a RIT team… sir…” and then the radio fully cuts off and Lucas curses. Loudly.

“Chavez? Chavez?” he shouts, but there is no response. He glances over to find that a few firefighters had assembled to form a RIT and Lucas immediately curses the captain from 7 who is also stepping up as RIT commander.

“Hold that RIT! That building is about to collapse. No one goes in!” he shouts. [No one goes out is clearly implied].

“But, sir, respectfully, Chavez is still inside-”

“I’m aware, but sending in a RIT could result in the certain death of all those who volunteer for it. I’d rather lose one firefighter instead of six!” he snaps, harshly.

The radio clicks. “Chavez here, sir!”

“Come in, Chavez!” Lucas replies as he looks up to the B-side building before his eyes dart over to the D-side one.

“I found- I found the source,” he says and Lucas sighs.

“Are you close to it?”

“Yes. It’s a valve. I can – cough – I can close it,” Chavez says and Lucas feels his head pound.

“Do it,” he orders, voice flat, devoid of emotion as Lucas refuses to think of the D-side building exploding. “But, don’t evacuate. Stay in that building, Chavez,” Lucas adds and hates himself for it. He sees Sullivan glance over at him.

And, then, there _is_ an explosion.

The entire D-side building bursts into flames and collapses in on itself.

There’s a report that the A-side building had also burst into flames.

There’s the unnecessary report that the B-side building is becoming unstable.

The crews on the exterior attack on the primary building intensify their efforts. The crews facing the D-side building step back. The RIT is on standby.

“Alright, company 7 and 19, direct towards the primary building. Companies 12 and 23 direct to D-side building. I want an all-out exterior attack! Bishop!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Run to Command Center and grab the briefcase labelled device number 12, it’s a drone. Once the fire in D-side is fully out, we’ll use it to scout,” he says and Bishop immediately breaks into a run.

The radio crackles, and Lucas tries to reach Victoria and Warren once again.

“Hughes! Hughes! Respond! Hughes! Warren! Respond!” he shouts into the radio, fear clear in his voice. He takes a deep breath. _Get a grip, you’re the Chief,_ he says it like a mantra in his head, regaining control of himself. He sees Montgomery and Herrera and the rest of 19 pause what they’re doing as he continues shouting.

“-Hughes! Warren! Are you okay? Report! Are you okay?” he shouts again, his voice hoarse, though steadier.

Finally, he hears Victoria’s voice through the radio, “we’re okay!” she says back. “We just lost radio connection! We vented and we’re gonna make our way down now!”

Lucas feels relief course through him as he replies, ““good, get the hell out of that building, it’s clearly unstable!”

“Copy that!” she says and the radio clicks.

“Chief!” The captain of 12 shouts, coming at him from the side. Lucas turns.

“What the hell were you thinking? Chavez may be dead and you were doing what exactly? One of your firefighters-” Lucas tears into him, the words spilling out of his mouth in whispered-yells.

“Vic!” He hears Montgomery shout for her and for a moment he feels relieved. He dismisses the captain from 12 before turning to find Montgomery fitting an oxygen mask over Vic’s mouth. She takes a few gulps, then hands it to Warren.

Victoria’s eyes meet his. She nods at him, steps forwards, and he steps forward too, but pauses. All he wants is to run to her and wrap his arms around her, and never let go. But, that is not possible. Lucas closes his eyes for a few seconds, steeling himself, and reverting to being Chief.

“She’s okay,” Sullivan says from behind him, and Lucas turns to his friend.

“Any updates?”

“Bishop’s looking for footage. The primary building is mostly contained. B-side is fine, but structure-wise unstable,” Sullivan reports and Lucas nods, numbly.

“Sir! We have drone feed!” Bishop yells, running over to him and Sullivan, the tablet connected to the drone in her hands, her fingers flying over the screen. Lucas freezes and turns to her, fists clenching at his sides as he exchanges a look with Sullivan.

Lucas leans towards the tablet Bishop’s holding and freezes upon seeing the footage which shows what he’d been afraid of all along. Briefly, he turns to Vic and Montgomery and exchanges a brief look with Victoria, before turning his attention to the crowd of firefighters around them.

“The engineers okayed it,” Sullivan adds.

[Lucas knows the next step].

“Dearborn!” he calls and Dearborn comes over, face covered in ash and soot, a sheet of sweat covering her face.

“Yes, sir!” she says, straightening herself.

“We’re going to do recovery for Chavez,” he says softly and sees realization dawn on her. Then, “alright, Herrera, Dearborn and Gibson with me. Containment’s at 70%. Montgomery, Hughes, Miller, Bishop and Warren work on that exterior attack. Bishop, you’re in charge. Sullivan, watch over 7 on the primary building. 23 is on triage.”

“Yes, sir,” they all chorus and disperse.

“Sullivan,” he hisses, grasping his best friend’s arm. “Get PD to push back those media vans and reporters. They don’t need to see everything.”

Lucas fits on his full gear and leads the three lieutenants into the building, the drone feed providing instructions as to where Chavez is located.

“This is not meant to be subtle,” he tells them, his eyes drifting over each of them. “I hope this will be a lesson learned after past events. Earlier, an evacuation order was issued. However, Chavez did not evacuate because he had found the source of the fire. By, the time he thought to do so, there were no exits, and he was trapped. And, he informed of the fact later. What are the mistakes made?”

“Chavez should have evacuated in the first place,” Herrera states, exchanging a look with Gibson.

“A RIT team should have been sent in sooner,” Gibson added. “Although, the structure was clearly unstable and we’d all evacuated, so there was no indication for the need of a RIT team.” Gibson met Lucas’ gaze unwaveringly.

“That’s all correct. Herrera, I told you at your Incinerator that I disagreed with your call, despite it being the ethical one. But, there is doing what’s right and being reckless. They’re completely different things. At the skyscraper, you sent the elevator up against my command and Gibson ended up being trapped-”

“You left me, sir!” Gibson hisses in frustration and Lucas nods.

“I did. And, I am sorry about that, Gibson.” Lucas bowed his head for a moment before looking up. “But, sending in a RIT would have costed more lives. It was pure luck that Bishop and Herrera got you out and I’m very grateful, but make no mistake, Herrera’s decision to help you could have ended with all three of you dead. And, I would have been the one responsible for it. Yes, I made a call not to send in the RIT, but I made that call to save as many firefighters as I could. Now, there is a difference between recklessness and insubordination. I _know_ some firefighters decide to be heroes – recklessness comes with the job. But, insubordination in our line of work? That can be deadly.” His gaze flashed to Dearborn, who looked down. He noticed Herrera and Gibson exchanged an uneasy look before both looked down as well. “What Chavez did today, was a clear example of that. He wanted to be a hero. Protocol be damned. Instead, he ended up dead.” Gibson and Herrera both flinched as Lucas continued. “I am the Chief and I am responsible for everything that happens on a call. Every injury. Every order. Every loss. Every save. From a lieutenant to the Deputy Chief. I am responsible for _all_ of it. I need to know mayday will be called, I need to know an evacuation order will be respected and followed no matter what. I need to be sure that _my_ orders will be followed by my lieutenants, captains and battalion chiefs. Tonight, I am responsible for the death of Chavez, who was a rookie in my last year as captain.” Lucas gulped as they neared the room Chavez was supposed to be in. The words he was saying to the three lieutenants were similar to the words his Chief had used on him when he’d made captain. It had been a hard lesson learned. “Just as I am responsible for the decisions you make as you are all my lieutenants. The three of you could be excellent leaders someday, but you have to get over this hero complex you all seem to have. I don’t need heroes. Heroes end up like Chavez over there. Are we clear?”

“Yes, sir,” they all chorused just they reached Chavez’ location, guided by the sound of the PASS device.

“Sir…” Dearborn said softly.

Lucas felt sick to his stomach upon seeing Chavez’ body, severely burned, the smell permeating through the SCBA gear, face covered in ash and soot, several pieces of shrapnel penetrating his abdomen.

Lucas noticed how all three lieutenants inhaled sharply, how Gibson gripped Herrera’s arm gently as all four of them lifted the dead body for the last time.

It felt like he was drowning, like he was underwater and everything else was above and he couldn’t quite reach, couldn’t quite hear.

As they emerge, it all feels like a blur.

Distantly, he hears Bishop shout that containment was at 80%.

Two firefighters from 12 are rolling a gurney towards them.

There is an honor guard of firefighters, all the way to the Aid Car waiting to take Chavez.

Lucas walks behind the gurney, flanked by the three lieutenants.

There’s a strangled yell, and Lucas freezes, then his eyes focus on the woman is racing through the honor guard and Lucas realizes it must be Chavez’ wife, Cynthia. An officer tries to stop him, but she’s fast and he just lets her race to the gurney they’d laid Chavez on. She starts sobbing as soon as she sees him, hysterically, and Lucas inhales sharply, trying not to look at Chavez’ burned off face or the dry blood on his uniform.

Someone inhales sharply. Herrera and Gibson join the honor guard, heads bowed, while Dearborn just stands to the side. Another firefighter from 12 approaches Dearborn and the two of them stand closely together. Lucas looks away and lays his hand on her shoulder.

“Ma’am, I am so very sorry,” Lucas says softly, leaning towards her. “Martin died in the line of duty, sacrificing himself to save everyone here. He was a hero,” he adds somberly. “I am so sorry,” he repeats, voice all but breaking.

The woman continues to sob and turns to Lucas, letting him wrap his arms around her as she continues crying hysterically. Lucas continues to hold her. Out of the of his eye, he sees someone zip up the body bag.

Her voice is very soft and quiet at first, broken by gasps and sobs, but then Lucas can make out what she says. And, his heart breaks.

“All your fault, all your fault, all your fault,” she mutters repeatedly, like a broken record.

“I am so very sorry, Cynthia. I am really sorry,” he whispers hoarsely, rubbing his hand on her shoulders.

“This is all your fault! You’re the Chief! Martin always said you are responsible for everything that happens to the firefighters! And, now he’s dead! And, it’s all your fault!” she bursts out and Lucas can feel the crippling guilt in the pit of his stomach. “This is all your fault,” she cries brokenly and Lucas flinches. She continues to sob, repeating ‘this is all your fault’ while pounding on him. Lucas just lets her, defeated, and he hears Vic lets out an audible gasp.

The police officers are trying to keep the press away, and he knows the media will jump at the opportunity to see what is happening. [The wife of a fallen firefighter pounding on the Chief while sobbing hysterically and blaming him for the death of her husband]. Lucas tries not to meet anyone’s gaze, but he notices the captain of 12 break from the honor guard and makes his way towards them. He lays his hand gently on Cynthia’s shoulder, whispering softly as he pulls her away from Lucas. Lucas nods at him in gratitude.

Finally, Lucas looks up and meets Victoria’s gaze. He locks gazes with her, briefly letting her see the pain in his eyes, before joining the honor guard himself. He sees Vic step forward slightly, as if wanting to reach for him, but stops, aware that he won’t let her see him break on the scene. [He won’t let himself break on the scene. He is still the Chief]. Vic mouths, ‘I love you’ and Lucas tries to smile, but fails as he watches Vic joining the others in the offensive attack.

He’s emotionally drained as he walks to command center and he hears footsteps behind him.

“Don’t,” he says to whoever, and turns to find that it’s Sullivan.

“Do you want to handover? The fire is almost fully contained. I can take over for overhaul,” his friend says, but Lucas shakes his head.

“It’s fine, Sully. I just need a minute.”

Sullivan nods, but even when they return to the scene, he doesn’t leave him.

He tries to run the scene, but he can’t quite focus, his mind flashing back to the Cynthia sobbing hysterically in his arms, the explosion, Chavez radioing for help, him trying to reach Victoria-

“Sullivan!” The captain and his best friend races over to him.

“Chief.”

“I’m gonna handover,” he says flatly before giving a short account of the night’s events. “Tell Victoria I’ll call her later,” he says, more softly this time.

“Will do. Get some rest, Rip,” Sullivan nods at him. Then, his phone rings and Lucas curses.

It’s his PA.

“Chief?”

“Yes, Nikki,” he replied flatly.

“You must’ve had a hell of a night,” she said good naturedly. “Would you be able to make it in this afternoon? You’ve got a few budget meetings, that brief with the Battalion Chiefs, one interview-”

“Of course I can make it,” he said, shaking his head at Sullivan’s raised eyebrow. “When’s the first one?”

“Noon. I can push it back to one o’clock if you want,” she says and he hears rustling on the other end.

“That would be great. Thanks, Nikki,” he said neutrally.

“Sure, Chief,” she replied. He ended the call.

“You’re going into work?”

“Yeah. In the afternoon. Gonna go home and take a shower. Maybe catch some sleep,” Lucas shrugged. Sullivan nodded, though he narrowed his eyes.

“Alright, well, take care, man,” he said and they nodded at each other before Sullivan went off to continue running the scene.

Lucas got in his car and drove home, stopping at a drive-thru to grab some coffee and breakfast before going home.

He almost flinched when he saw his reflection in the full-length mirror in the hallway. His shirt was grey from ash, soot and sweat, his face was covered in ash and sweat and his hair was a mess. And, his eyes had a haunted look about them and if Lucas looked hard enough he could almost see the explosion-

He blinked, shook his head and hung his jacket on a peg before kicking off his shoes. He’d left his turnouts in his vehicle; he’d drop them at HQ in the afternoon.

He showered longer than usual, letting the water pour over him as he tried not to flashback to the explosion. But, the explosion continued to ring in his ears as the water continued to pour on him until he flicked it off and got out, his mind flashing back to the events of that night on repeat.

He finishes his breakfast, but doesn’t go upstairs to the bedroom he shares with Vic. Instead, he stretches out on the couch and turns the TV on to the local news that are giving a rerun coverage of the night before. He sets an alarm for 1200 and notices that he has a new message from Vic.

_Call me or text me if you want/need to talk. I love you. Try to get some rest. xx Vic._

Lucas replies with a simple _Okay, I love you too._

Eventually, with the TV still on, he falls asleep.

_There is an explosion. There are dead people. Claire. Michael. Countless others._ _Gibson. Montgomery. Victoria. Chavez._

His eyes snap open and he almost falls off the couch, startled. His heart is racing, his ears are ringing, and he feels like he cannot breathe. An alarm is blaring and his eyes dart around the room until they find it’s his phone. He shuts it off and then turns the TV off, too, which seems to be running the incident on repeat, like a broken stereo.

He gets ready in a blur, his mind somewhere else.

He drives to work and walks in to find Nikki outside his office, cup of coffee in her hand.

“Thanks, Nikki, you’re a life-saver,” he thanks her and forces a smile.

“I know. I pushed your Battalion Chief brief an hour later than it was to fit in the meeting for Chavez’ funeral,” Nikki hands him a manila folder and Lucas nods in thanks.

* * *

They get back to the station in the late afternoon, having stayed through overhaul and the recovery of civilian victims. Sullivan sends them all to the showers before telling them to clean and restock the vehicles.

Vic stays in the shower a full ten minutes, letting the water wash away the explosion, the sight of Chavez’ charred body, the wife pounding on Lucas and shouting hysterically that it was his fault, the look on Lucas’ face, the dead civilians, the feeling of being thrown sideways from her memory. She has no more texts from Lucas when she checks her phone, so she gets changed quickly and joins the others in the Barn. Warren and Travis are on engine, Miller and Herrera are on the ladder. Maya and Jack are nowhere to be seen, but Vic doesn’t say anything about that.

Vic lands herself on restocking the Aid Car by herself, but is joined by Sullivan.

“Have you spoken to Rip?” Sullivan asks, and it’s clear that he’s not asking as the Captain, but as Sully, Lucas’ friend. Vic glances over and sighs.

“Not really. I texted him, but he hasn’t called and when I tried, the call didn’t go through,” she says with a shrug.

“He said he’d go to HQ in the afternoon. Maybe he’s at home, sleeping,” Sullivan says as they continue working.

“Yeah. Did he say something to you?”

“Not really, but… I guess I’m a little worried after… everything,” he gestures around them and Vic nods.

“Yeah. Me too.”

[She was more than a little worried herself about what he was feeling, but she hadn’t managed to talk to him at all, so she was trying not to think about the scene she’d witnessed and how that might affect Lucas. She also knew that losing radio connection with her and the D-side building losing stability with her and Warren inside had affected him and she’d seen the wild look in his eyes that he’d quickly covered up].

After a while, Sullivan breaks the silence, “are you okay? he asks.”

“Yeah, just it got a little scary there, y’know? We’d lost radio connection and then that explosion- Warren covered my body with his when it happened and I don’t remember it exactly. But, I don’t know, it kind of… stuck. That feeling of being thrown against a wall. Glass shattering,” Vic whispers before shutting one of the Aid Car’s compartments.

“Some things stick with you more than others,” Sullivan says softly. “Peer Support Group sounds like a good idea,” he smiles at her and they continue restocking.

Once they’re all done, they make their way to the Beanery while Sullivan goes to his office to write up the scene report and send it to Lucas. Maya and Jack are in the Beanery, talking in hushed voices, standing closely. They step away from each other, though, when the rest of them walk in.

“D-shift’s about to start. Why don’t we go for our usual post-shift breakfast?” Maya suggests.

“Yes,” they chorus and disperse to change. Ten minutes later, duffel bag slung on her shoulder, Vic joins the rest of her team.

Breakfast is somber and Vic talks to Maya and Travis as she eats her food, though she’s unusually not into it. Andy notices.

“Hey, Vic, you okay?” the lieutenant asks and all eyes seem to snap over to her.

“Yeah, totally. Just not really hungry,” she shrugs in response, looking down before taking a sip of her coffee. The conversation drifts around the table, though it’s not the usual, boisterous, teasing that has Sullivan telling them they’re acting like children.

Vic drops Andy and Maya off, then drives home. It’s clear from the way things are thrown around the living room, that Lucas had been there not too long ago. Vic tries calling him, but the call doesn’t go through and Vic realizes he’s probably in a meeting.

She cleans up a bit, then goes upstairs and crashes on the bed.

* * *

She wakes up in the late afternoon, almost evening, to Lucas’ white shirt and his arms wrapped around her. His cheek is resting against her forehead and Vic looks up to find that he’s awake.

“Hii,” she greets, pressing herself closer to him.

“Hey, you,” he says, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. Vic reaches to cup his cheek with her hand, compelling him to meet her gaze. His eyes are swimming with tears and Vic runs her thumb underneath his eyes, wiping away the few that escaped. Lucas shuts his eyes briefly and Vic tilts her head to press her lips to his for a gentle kiss that he returns. When they pull away, Lucas opens his eyes and Vic is shaken to her core by the raw pain she sees in them. [And, she comes to the realization that there’s nothing she can do about it except be there for him].

“Oh, Luke…” she says softly, snuggling closer to him.

“I’m fine,” he says, though Vic knows he’s pretending.

“Lucas,” she prods, one eyebrow raised.

“Last night was scary,” he admits, eyes drifting up to the ceiling before glancing carefully at her. “I thought… there was a moment when I… I thought I’d lost you,” he says, his voice breaking as he gazes deeply into her eyes. “When I couldn’t… when the radio disconnected and I didn’t know… if… if you were alive and I just… I couldn’t breathe, Victoria,” he sounds so vulnerable and Vic hates it. She cups his cheek, pulling him towards her and brushes her lips against his. Lucas deepens the kiss, his hands firm on her waist as their tongues tangle together.

Reluctantly, Vic pulls away. “It was scary for me too; you know? When Warren and I were in that building and we lost contact and we didn’t know… that explosion- Warren covered me with his body. And, we made it out. I’m okay, Luke,” she says, gently caressing his cheek. Lucas presses a chaste kiss to her wrist before tightening his hold on her.

_I don’t want to let you go,_ he said to her once, months ago, at the beginning of their relationship, after their first fight. It had been the first time he’d made his feelings clear to her and even though she’d been sick, he’d wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead and held her until the morning.

_I don’t want to let you go, either,_ she wants to tell him as she presses a soft kiss to his jaw, wrapping her arms around him.

They stay like that for a while, just holding each other, neither of them saying anything until Lucas breaks the silence.

“I wanted to run into that building to save you,” he says, voice thick with tears. Vic looks up to meet his tear-filled gaze. “God, Vic, you have no idea how much I wanted to just run in. Protocol be damned. But, I’m the Chief. And, as Chief, I _couldn’t,_ ” he says and it’s clear in his gaze how sorry he is and how much he wants her to know that. Vic lifts both her hands to cup his cheeks.

She shakes her head.

“Lucas, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. We got out. We got radio connection and we got out. Your girlfriend is kind of a badass,” she says fervently and Lucas chuckles at the last part. “I’m okay,” she adds, more gently.

Lucas just nods.

“Hey, why don’t we eat something? I’m not really in the mood to cook though, so we can order Thai or Chinese and just cuddle on the couch. Binge something on Netflix?” Vic suggests, sitting up.

“Yeah, sure,” he says with a shrug.

“So? Thai or Chinese?” she asks as she gets up, pulling her hair up in a messy bun.

“Whatever you want, Vic,” Lucas answers as he starts taking off his clothes. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he says finally before going into the ensuite bathroom.

“Well, then, Chinese it is,” Vic says to his retreating back as she grabs her phone to order.

She goes downstairs to the living room and tidies up, straightening the blanket and throw pillows on the couch. She washes the few dirty dishes in the sink and tidies up around the kitchen, too.

She’d just grabbed a glass of water when she hears Lucas come down the stairs, freshly showered, a station 88 t-shirt clinging to all the right places.

He wraps his arms around her waist, pressing a kiss to her jaw, and another, and another, as Vic giggles, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck as she presses herself closer to him.

“I ordered Chinese, okay? Spring rolls, chow mein, sweet and sour pork, dumplings and fortune cookies. Obviously,” she lists, turning to face him, resting her hands on his shoulders.

“Sounds good,” Lucas says vaguely before leaning in to kiss her. Vic kisses him back, her hands drifting to wrap around his neck, fingers threading through his hair as she slips her tongue into this mouth. Lucas pulls her closer, his own hands drifting up and down her back. Gently, he lifts her onto the countertop, his hands drifting down to her ass as Vic pulls him closer to her, wrapping one leg around his hips. Their tongues tangle together, the kiss more intense, heady, hands desperately exploring, clinging desperately to each other. Just as Lucas’ fingers grab onto the hem of her t-shirt – well, his t-shirt really – the doorbell rings and they spring apart, both of them chuckling hoarsely.

“I’ll get it,” she says, hopping off the counter, but Lucas follows her to the door. It’s the delivery guy and Vic grabs the bags, fumbling for her wallet when Ripley just hands the delivery guy the bill. Vic rolls her eyes fondly at him and then goes to the kitchen.

Vic loves these evenings at home with him, both of them so at ease and comfortable with each other. She sets the food in the living room and turns on Netflix when Lucas joins her, a fond smile on his face.

And, later, they cuddle together, arms wrapped around each other, her head resting on his chest, his lips pressing a tender kiss to her forehead.

Eventually, they decide to go to bed, both of them going upstairs and getting ready.

Once they’re done in the bathroom, Vic pulls the duvet off, the only light in the room coming from the two lamps on their nightstands.

Lucas comes to help with the other side of the bed, his eyes not leaving hers.

“I love you,” he says softly, and Vic smiles.

“I love you, too,” she says as she settles into bed, sidling closer to him, tucking her head under his arm, his fingers resting on her hips, their legs tangled together.

* * *

It’s well past midnight, the sky a dark indigo, dark clouds masking any stars. But Seattle isn’t sleeping, well-lit with the thousands of lights decorating the city that cast a glow even in the darkness of their bedroom.

Lucas is clearly exhausted because he falls asleep instantly, but it takes Vic a while longer. She drifts asleep for a while, but the bedside digital clock reads 0200 and she’s not quite awake, but not quite asleep either, rubbing circles across Lucas’s chest. Beside her, Lucas is restless, his breathing coming out in short gasps, as if he doesn’t have enough air. Rubbing her palm against her lids, Vic tries to pull herself out of the half-sleeping state she’d been drifting in to make sure Lucas is okay. She looks up, fingers reaching out to graze his cheek gently and notices how his face doesn’t have the peaceful quality it usually has when he falls asleep. His eyebrows are knitted together and the corners of his eyes crinkle as he shakes his head gently from side to side.

“Lucas?” she asks softly, fingers caressing his cheek gently as she twists her body slightly so she’s leaning on her side, brown eyes locked onto his face, eyebrows furrowed with curiosity. “Luke?” she asks again, moving to shake him gently, but before she can, his eyes open, blue irises wide with fear and he lets out a strangled gasp. His breathing is even more labored and it scares Vic though she doesn’t show it. Her hands move as if of their own accord to rest on his shoulders as she speaks again, her voice coming out in a raspy whisper. “Lucas?”

Lucas inhales sharply, then exhales and repeats the motion several times with his eyes closed before he opens them again, locking his blue eyes with Vic’s brown ones. Vic’s palms are still resting on his shoulders, though it seems the motion is offering her more comfort than him.

“Vic?” he asks, voice raspy from sleep. “Vic?” he asks again, voice soft and gentle now, though there is a slight edge accompanying it. “Did I wake you?” he asks, and she’s surprised, but at the same time she’s not, that he’s so concerned for her, because this is _Lucas_. She shakes her head then, her curls a halo around her head that moves with the motion and blinks the sleep away, eyelashes fluttering.

“No-no…” she stutters out, though she’s not sure why because this is _Lucas_ , or maybe it’s because it’s him that she does. Because he would feel guilty if she told him otherwise. “I was awake. I’m fine,” she reassures. “Are you okay?” she asks, brown eyes filled with concern.

“Yeah. No,” he whispers, turning to face her, and Vic notes how tense he is. She moves closer to him, though she doesn’t touch him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asks softly.

“No. I’m just… I’m just going to go grab some water,” he says, scrambling off the bed. Vic sits up, watching his retreating form before she sighs and gets up to follow him to the kitchen.

The lights are off, but the glow coming from outside – the moonlight or Seattle’s skyline, she’s not sure – provides enough light for her to see him, standing by the sink. His hands are gripping the countertop so hard she can see the lines of his knuckles. His shoulders are tense, muscles flexing and his head is bowed. She leans against the kitchen island for a few seconds, watching him carefully, before she moves closer. It’s quiet for a while before Vic breaks the silence, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Lucas, are you okay?” she asks, hand moving to touch him, but he flinches away from her.

“I’m fine, Vic, just go back to bed,” he says, before downing half the glass on the counter. But, his hand trembles as he sets it down and his voice sounds thick with unshed tears. His breathing is still shallow, coming out in small gasps even as he tries to calm himself. And, yet he won’t look at her.

“No you’re not,” she states, and this time despite his flinch, she lays her palm on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “What is it?” she asks softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s nothing. Let’s just go back to bed,” he says, shaking his head. His gaze is still averted away from her as he gulps down the rest of the water. For a second, Vic almost lets it go.

“Talk to me, Luke,” she tries, her voice full of concern.

“I can’t,” his voice cracks before he wrenches himself out of her grasp and turns around. Vic stands there for a second, watching him go before she follows him.

He’s turned on his side, his back to her when she gets in bed, so Vic tries to hug him from behind, but Lucas flinches and his body is rigid beneath her hands. With a heavy sigh, Vic lets go of him and turns on her side, her gaze fixed on the window as she sings the teapot song in her head.

* * *

She wakes to the midday sun shining through the thin curtains and turns to nuzzle into Lucas’ side, but finds his side of the bed empty. Groggily, she sits up, rubbing a hand across her face, trying to wipe sleep from her eyes. The bedroom is empty and the bedside digital clock reads 1100, so Vic gets up and pulls on her robe before making her way downstairs.

She finds Lucas in the kitchen, the table full with French toast, coffee and juice, as well as a basket of toast and a jar of vegemite besides it along with a bottle of maple glaze. Vic smiles, filled with warmth as she remembers introducing Lucas to maple glaze so many months ago at the start of their relationship.

Lucas’ hair is wet and he’s talking on the phone when she enters, his back to her.

“-yeah, it’s fine. Thanks, Deb,” he’s saying. There’s a long pause. “I have to be there. I’m the Chief-” he’s cut off and he runs a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh as he listens, before continuing, “I know. I know it might be difficult, but I made- I’ll be there.” Another pause, Lucas is now half turned to her, then, “yeah. Thanks, Deb. Yes. Have nice day. You’re on call tonight?” He waits for the answer. “Yeah, okay. Yes, see you. I know. I will. Bye.” He hangs up, and turns to face her.

“Hey,” she greets, stepping closer to him.

“Hi,” he breathes, then wraps his arms around her, pulling her close. Vic returns the embrace, then presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “Sorry about that. It was Deb. We were talking about the funeral arrangements for Chavez.”

“Oh,” Vic says as she sits at the table.

“Yeah,” Lucas shrugs. “Anyways, I went for a run, then I made breakfast,” he says, gesturing to the French toast.

“Thanks. It looks great,” she says a little awkwardly before digging in.

Breakfast is quiet, a little bit tense, not the usual flirty conversations and stolen kisses between forkfuls of French toast. Vic usually ends up eating French toast while Lucas eats toast with vegemite, and she teases him about endlessly. But, today she doesn’t.

She cleans up while Lucas does some paperwork in the second guestroom/study and then, to her relief, Travis calls her to invite her to go biking. She really doesn’t like biking, but the air in the house is stifling her, so she goes.

“You okay?” her best friend asks as they’re making their way through the park.

“Yup. I’m fine. All good,” she says a little too quickly, and Travis quirks an eyebrow. Vic groans. “I’m… I don’t know, I’m really worried about Lucas,” she says and Travis stops, grabbing his water bottle. “I just… I know how much what happened affected him, but he won’t- he won’t talk. I mean, he did talk a bit about me getting trapped and losing radio connection with me, but he won’t talk about the other stuff.”

“Chavez?” Travis guesses.

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t want to push, but at the same time, I’m worried if I let him keep it all in, he’s going to- it’s not going to end well. And, I don’t know, things are kind of weird and tense between us now, and I don’t know. I don’t know what to do,” she rambles.

“You know, the best you can do is give him time. It was an exceptional circumstance and he probably needs to process himself. And, so just let him do that. Be there for him when he’s ready. It’s not easy. His job, I mean. The decisions he has to make to protect as many firefighters as he can. So, just give him time,” Travis advises.

“Yeah,” Vic says. “Thanks, Trav.” They share a long hug, then continue cycling for another 30 minutes.

When Vic arrives home, Lucas is there, reading, and Vic goes to him immediately, perching herself on his lap.

“Hi,” she says, cupping his cheeks.

“Hey. How was cycling?” He seems a little bit amused.

“It was… fun,” she says with a shrug.

“Good,” he says, then presses a tender kiss to her lips. Vic smiles into the kiss before slowly pulling away and continuing.

“I know I may have pushed last night. And, I know it’s really hard for you. So, I’m gonna give you time to process, and when you’re ready, whenever that is, you can come talk to me. Okay?”

Lucas smiled at her in response before nodding, “yeah. Okay.”

“I love you, Lucas,” she says before pressing her lips to his again. Lucas responds immediately, winding his arms around her waist, pulling her on top of him, his lips soft and warm on hers, and Vic’s tongue darts to his lower lip. Lucas fists his fingers in her hair as she slips her tongue into his mouth, her own fingers threading through his blonde curls. Their tongues tangle together as Lucas grabs onto the hem of her dry-fit t-shirt, slowly lifting it up. Briefly, they pull away so Lucas can fully lift her t-shirt over her head, and then Vic pulls his t-shirt off. She’s sweaty and Lucas’ hands are firm on her lower back as he trails kisses along her jaw, down her neck before nipping at her collarbone. Vic’s own hands are everywhere, on his chest, his upper back, in his hair as she grinds gently against his hips. Lucas grabs her thighs with his hands, hoisting her further on his lap as he continues sucking and biting on her collarbone. Vic lets out a soft moan as she feels him harden against her and they breakaway enough for her to whisper, “bedroom, Lucas, now,” breathlessly. Lucas picks her up, his hands holding her steadily and carries her to the upstairs bedroom.

They tumble onto the king-sized bed in a tangle of limbs, perfectly fitting together, bodies pressed against each other. Lucas makes quick work of Vic’s leggings, leaving her in her sports bra and panties while Vic pulls off his sweatpants and boxers in one go. For a second, they pull away, and Vic meets Lucas’ gaze. His eyes are almost entirely black with lust and his hair is a mess. Vic hooks her ankle around his leg, pulling him closer, and he groans before his lips are on hers again, fingers tangled in the thick disarray of her curls while her own fingers tugged forcefully at his hair. He fumbles with her bra, but makes quick work of it and her panties and then there is nothing between them. Their hips slow down a bit, just lazily grinding before Lucas glances at her for a second, as if asking for permission. Vic doesn’t need to give it verbally, and he kisses her neck as he thrusts inside her. His hands drift down to her hips, steadying her as she settles into a more comfortable position as Lucas starts thrusting more rhythmically, slowly picking up pace. Vic matches his movements, her fingers gently caressing his back, fingers stroking his hair. He feels so good inside her and Vic lets out another moan, gasping his name breathlessly before she flips them over.

He grunts, eyes fluttering closed, “Victoria,” he whispers huskily, his hands squeezing her ass as she leans down to kiss him again before riding him as hard as she can. His lips drift down from her collarbone to her breasts, and bites and sucks on each nipple. Vic’s not surprised at how quickly her orgasm builds and she quickens her pace, her movements becoming more erratic.

“Lucas,” she moans breathlessly as he tightens his hold on her and grunts in response. “Luke,” she gasps as she comes, then slumps against him, head buried in the crook of his neck. He’s still hard inside her, and he flips her over, pressing her roughly against the mattress before thrusting harder into her. It doesn’t take long because he only pounds for a bit, then slumps down on her with groan. She can feel him come and soften slowly and her fingers drift in lazy caresses along his lower back.

He pulls away slightly, propping himself on his elbows. “Hi,” he whispers huskily, voice low from long stretches of silence.

“Hi,” she says, smiling gently at him.

“I love you, too, Victoria,” he says then and there isn’t much Vic wants to say so she just kisses him again.

They only manage to pull themselves out of bed in the late evening when Travis texts her to ask if she and Lucas want to grab dinner with him and the others.

“Hey, baby?” she asks softly, leaning against the kitchen island.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to grab dinner with the others?” Lucas looks up and shrugs.

“Who?”

_Travis, who?_ She types into her phone.

_Miller, Yemi,  Sullivan, Herrera, Warren and Tuck. Bishop and Gibson are doing something, I have no idea what, and Warren’s wife has surgery. We were going to the houseboat with takeaway food from La Trattoria downtown. Miller said he’ll whip up some margaritas._

Vic shows Lucas the text.

“Sure, we can go,” he says and Vic can’t help but smile a little as she types an affirmative response to Travis.

* * *

They shower together and get ready, and end up being ten minutes late, but Herrera and Sullivan aren’t there yet.

There’s a bit of awkwardness at first, but Dean hands them two glasses of margaritas, and they cuddle lazily on the couch, talking to Travis and Tuck. Yemi is there, helping her brother in the kitchen with Warren.

Vic can feel Lucas is tense, but he laces his fingers with hers and squeezes tightly as they discuss hobbies with Travis. Tuck agrees with Vic that cycling is boring, but he likes soccer and baseball.

Sullivan and Herrera show up together, and Lucas relaxes a bit when he and Sullivan start talking about sports.

“Hey,” Andy says, perching herself beside Vic as Dean brings out two more glasses of margaritas.

“Hey,” Vic says back and they clink their glasses.

It’s nice, Vic thinks. The atmosphere is relaxed and they’re all chatting mindlessly, rotating in and out of the kitchen. Eventually, Miranda texts that she’s done, but she’s exhausted after a ten-hour surgery, so Warren grabs Tuck and says his goodbyes, thus leaving the rest of them to enjoy the rest of the evening.

“More food for us,” she jokes as she hugs Warren and waves at Tuck.

She loses track of Lucas, who is with Sullivan, while she’s chatting with Andy and Travis. She’s grabbing some pizza when Sullivan corners her.

“You should go outside. He’s on the deck,” he says and Vic can hear the worry in Sullivan’s tone.

“Yeah, thanks,” she says softly before placing the plate of pizza onto the counter and making her way onto the deck, where she finds Lucas, his back to the houseboat, a beer in his hands.

“Hey, you,” she says softly and he jumps. Vic plops down beside him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, just needed some fresh air,” he shrugs vaguely before returning his focus to the stretch of water in front of them.

“It’s a nice view,” she says, her fingers itching to lace themselves with his, but he’s so tense, and she doesn’t want to feel the pit of rejection if he flinches.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to go?” she asks, scooting closer to him.

“No, it’s okay. You’re having fun,” he says with a shrug. “I just needed air.”

“Luke, if you want to-”

“Vic, it’s fine,” he snaps and Vic flinches a little. Lucas looks down. “I’m sorry. I just… it’s okay, I’m okay. But, if you want to go, we can. Whatever you want,” he shrugs, tone vague as he meets her gaze. Vic narrows her eyes.

“You’ll tell me if you want to go?” she says. “We’ll have to call a cab; I’ve had like two margaritas.”

“Yeah, I’ve had two beers with Sully.” He looks away, his gaze focusing on the water, and Vic knows there’s nothing else either of them will say. Instead, she presses a tender kiss to his jaw and leaves. Sullivan’s standing against the door that leads to the deck and the two of them exchange a concerned glance before Sullivan makes his way over to his best friend, setting a plate of pizza between them and two beers.

Vic goes back to her friends.

They leave later, when Vic finally manages to drag herself off the couch, and call a cab. The ride is quiet, but he wraps his arms around her so she burrows into his side, drifting to sleep.

He wakes her when they arrive and they stumble a little inside. They’re both tired, and a little bit tipsy, so they make their way upstairs in silence, arms around each other, hands wondering.

Vic wakes up at 0345, thirsty, and makes her way to the kitchen where she finds Lucas again. This time, neither of them say anything, so Vic just grabs a glass and fills it with water before draining it. For a moment, she lingers, wondering if she should prod, if Lucas will say anything to her, but he doesn’t. She’s about to turn around and go when Lucas grabs her wrist.

For the first time, he lets her see the pain in his eyes and takes, a deep gasping breath. But, he doesn’t let her go. Instead, he pulls her towards him and Vic embraces him willingly, wrapping her arms around him.

There is a long, pregnant pause between them. The stillness of the night was almost eerie as they stood hugging each other in the middle of the kitchen only illuminated by the moonlight and Seattle’s skyline. It was quiet, almost too quiet, save for Lucas’ ragged breathing, coming out in short gasps as he tried to calm himself. Vic pulls slightly away from him, her brown eyes wide as she stared at his wrecked expression. Lucas breaks the silence, his voice a soft whisper full of emotion that was also clear in the stormy blue of his eyes.

“Thank you, Victoria. Thank you so much.”

* * *

Lucas only manages to fall asleep an hour after Vic does, but his sleep is plagued by nightmares, and he wakes up in the middle of the night. It’s 0300 and Vic is fast asleep by then, so Lucas unwraps his arms from around her and makes his way downstairs.

Earlier, at Miller’s house, it had felt all too overpowering to be in a closed space surrounded by other people, so he’d snuck out onto the deck.

He hadn’t meant to startle, his heart stuttering in his chest when Vic had come to sit beside him. “Hey, you,” she’d said softly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, just needed some fresh air,” he’d shrugged vaguely before returning his focus to the stretch of water in front of them.

They’d talked about the view and then both of them deflected to the other in regards to going home, and it had been awkward, and it had never been awkward like that between them, so Vic had left and Lucas had felt a twinge of hurt, though he knew he was the one pushing away.

Eventually they’d gone home and gone to bed, but Lucas had only managed an hour or two of sleep, plagued by nightmares.

He’d gone to the kitchen to drink some water when Vic joined him, but unlike the night before, there was a hesitation about her, an uncertainty in her moves. Lucas mentally kicked himself; he hated what this was doing to them. She’d turned to go, probably return to bed, when Lucas stopped her, his fingers wrapping around her wrist, pulling her to him as he let her see the pain in his eyes. Vic wrapped her own arms around him, and they’d stood there, hugging.

He gets another hour or two before he wakes up and his eyes fly to the bedside digital clock. It’s 0500. It’s Friday. Martin Chavez’ funeral is in five hours. Lucas feels sick.

He showers, and takes his time, letting the water wash away the images of Martin’s charred body, the sound of the explosion, the fear gripping him when he’d lost contact with Vic, Cynthia pounding on him-

He turns the water off and wraps a towel around his waist. He takes his time getting ready and Vic wakes up around 0800, groggy from sleep.

He fixes a black band across his badge before pinning it to his dress uniform. Vic meets his gaze in the mirror as she’s braiding her hair before putting on her own dress blues.

They have a quick breakfast, neither of them saying anything, and they share a soft, lingering kiss before going downstairs. Lucas drops Vic off.

“I love you,” he tells her as she’s about to hop out of the car.

“I love you, too, Luke,” she says softly before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. And, then she’s out, quickening her pace as she reaches the main entrance to the station.

Lucas drives to his office where everyone is wearing similar dress uniforms with identical black bands across their badges.

They take a moment of silence before Lucas is pulled into a quick meeting to run through the preparations for Chavez’ funeral once more. Cynthia had clearly been crying and she can’t quite meet his gaze. Lucas feels that pang of guilt yet again.

Then, Lucas tells Nikki to cancel all his meetings and shuts the door to his office.

Cynthia had – surprisingly to Lucas – requested a full formal funeral, with military honors and all the traditions of the SFD. According to Dearborn, who had been named the Liaison Officer, informed him and Frankel that she was from a military family. Lucas himself didn’t really mind, but now he realized that the full formal funeral was going to last for hours.

The funeral itself is a blur to him. He performs his duties with the kind of precision that is mastered through the years, though his mind is elsewhere.

The Last Alarm is sounded just before the procession leaves the church and Lucas startles, heart hammering in his chest. Fortunately, nobody notices.

He follows the honor guard in the funeral procession, Frankel in the Battalion 15 Chief’s vehicle behind him followed by the other battalion vehicles along led by the Deputy Chief’s car, another PD car, then 12’s ladder followed by the councilmen’s cars and the mayor’s, then the other vehicles in Battalion 15, then the neighboring battalions.

He and the Captain of 12 both give readings during the funeral, his guys locked with Vic, the only one who he can’t hide from. She meets his gaze steadily, nodding discreetly at him.

Dearborn and another firefighter from 12 deliver eulogies, followed by Cynthia and Chavez’ sister.

The firing squad lines up, and the commanding officer directs them. Lucas braces himself.

“Front!” the officer yells.

The sounds of gunfire make his heart stutter frantically and his mind flashes back to the building exploding, the flashover, the image of Vic, the recovery for Chavez. He curls his hands into fists and tries to look anywhere.

“Rip?” Frankel says beside him and Lucas’ eyes immediately snap to hers.

“Huh… yeah- yes?” he recovers easily and finds that they’re about to lower the casket. Somebody had placed Chavez’ black helmet on the casket.

“You alright?”

“Yes. Of course.” He bows his head along with everyone else as they lower the casket. He hears Cynthia cry out, and it’s instinct. He sees her move out of her brother’s arms and he moves towards her as she throws herself towards the casket, catching her. Cynthia starts to sob as Lucas holds her, his arms gently wrapped around her slim form.

“I am so sorry, Cynthia. So sorry,” he says softly, gently rubbing her back as he walks her slowly back to the crowd of family members. He nods at her brother who takes her from him, wrapping his arms around her. With a heavy sigh, Lucas returns to formation, standing beside Frankel. When the casket is finally lowered, all firefighters salute before a few family members throw in flowers.

After the funeral is over, everyone is directed to station 12 for the funeral. Lucas remembers when he struggled in crowds, and the feeling returns, the feeling of his throat constricting, of gasping for air as he stands around the other men and women in dress blues as well as the family members in black outfits. It all feels too overwhelming, too cloying and he moves outside.

He feels her warm, comforting presence behind him before he hears her.

“Hey, you okay?” she asks, coming to stand beside him. She’s holding a white plastic cup in her hand which she kind of stretches to him. He takes it gratefully.

“I’m fine. Just needed some air,” he mutters. “Thanks.”

“Yeah. Must be hard. I haven’t- not since…” she trails off. “It’s hard. I haven’t been to a funeral since last year,” she says softly, referring to Pruitt Herrera.

“Yeah,” he nods. She takes a step closer to him.

“I think… I think we should go to the Peer Support Group,” she says, tone soft.

“I’m fine, Vic,” he deflects.

“Lucas, I saw what happened with the firing squad and then Chavez’ wife… and the nightmares you’ve been having,” she states.

“And?”

“And, I think you should talk to someone about it. Me. Or at support group or someone else. You can’t keep this to yourself, Luke,” she says gently. “Look, this isn’t _not_ normal after what happened. Everyone who was at that scene was affected. And, I know you’re the Chief and you’re putting everyone else before you, but you need to take care of yourself, too. Come to the peer support group with me.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” he states flatly before turning around and going back inside.

He hears Vic sigh behind him before she follows after him.

* * *

Vic gets off the day after the funeral and goes to post-shift breakfast with Maya and Andy while the guys go to Dean’s houseboat. After breakfast, she and Maya give in when Andy begs them to join her rock climbing, and Vic ends up enjoying it as it takes her mind off the funeral and Lucas.

“Hey, Vic, you okay?” Maya asks as they belay Andy who’s climbing.

“Yeah, I’m just… I’m just worried about Lucas,” she says, glancing over at her blonde friend.

“Because of that fire?” Maya asks.

“Yeah. He won’t… he won’t talk to me about it. And, I just- I keep trying to push, but I know I can’t- he’ll shut himself off even more if I prod too much, so I’m trying to… I don’t even know anymore,” she says, biting her lower lip.

“I know the feeling,” Maya says, refocusing her gaze on Andy’s form. “I’m gonna end up dragging Gibson to therapy or staging another intervention. Dean says he’s not sleeping again and he’s not talking to me and he’s irritable and… uh, I hate how much I care, y’know? Even after all these months,” Maya says with a chuckle. “You know, I can be pretty relentless sometimes,” Maya pauses, glancing over at Vic.

“Yeah, but we love you for it,” Vic teases with a smile.

“Especially with the people I care about most. But, sometimes with Jack that’s… that’s hard. Because I still can’t always read him. He’ll go quiet and then I just don’t know what to do,” Maya says softly.

They watch Andy reach the top and clap to congratulate her.

“Yeah. You know, I usually know what to do. This isn’t the first time Lucas is dealing with a tough call. But, it’s… it’s different,” she says just as Andy touches the ground.

Vic spends the better part of the day with Andy and Maya rock climbing, then she drops both of them home, and goes home herself. She takes a quick nap, and wakes up when Travis invites her to lunch.

She only gets back in the evening, and finds that Lucas is home too, still in uniform, his badge shrouded.

“Hey,” she says, stepping towards him and tilting her head up for a quick kiss. Lucas kisses her back, almost automatically, hands resting firmly on her hips.

“Hi,” he says when they pull away.

“Sorry, I was with Travis all afternoon,” she says as she shrugs off her jacket.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I just got back from HQ,” he says softly.

“I’m gonna go to group. Are you…” she trails off, gesturing. Lucas doesn’t say anything. “Right,” Vic mumbles and races up the stairs to get changed. When she comes back downstairs, Lucas was putting his phone away, still in uniform, the sleeves of his uniform shirt rolled up.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks, just as Vic’s about to put her boots on.

“I don’t know, Luke. I’m not- I can’t- I won’t force you to come. So, whatever you want, but I’m going,” she says shrugging off her jacket. Lucas nods.

“I can’t,” he whispers just as Vic’s about to leave.

* * *

_2 weeks later_

They don’t talk about Chavez or anything connected to the incident for two weeks. Vic goes to support group that evening, and comes back clearly shaken to Lucas cooking.

They learn to coexist in the large spaces of their house, though by the end of the second week, Vic feels like even the big house is closing in on her.

Lucas throws himself into work, coming late, and is on call half the time. He comes back smelling of ash and smoke almost every two nights, but he doesn’t say anything, just crawls into bed beside her.

Sex becomes a distraction, and the only way for them to communicate, and Vic hates the long stretches of silence between them.

Vic goes to work and spends time with Andy, Maya or Travis when she’s not at work. She goes to drinks and team dinners as a way to avoid the silent dinners with Lucas. Jack comes with her to peer support group the second week and Vic is glad for it.

She finds him in the kitchen again for the seventh time in those two weeks, standing with his back to her, his hands gripping the counter tightly.

“I used to be scared of fire,” she blurts, no longer trying to be gentle or subtle. Lucas turns to her immediately. “You know that tanker fire station 19 responded when Andy and Jack were competing for captain?” He nods. Vic takes a deep breath. “Warren and I were trapped, surrounded by blue fire and that was… that was the first time I got so close to almost- it was almost over. And, it rattled me.”

“Vic, I know what happened-”

“I used to _flinch_ every time there was fire,” she says sharply, tears prickling her eyes. “The same way you flinch now. And, I kept it in, too. I could’ve endangered my team. And, when I finally opened up, they were for me. They supported me, helped me, ran drills with me-”

“Vic this isn’t some fear-”

“This is hurting me too!” she snaps, interrupting him. Lucas looks taken aback, his gaze finally snapping to hers. “Don’t you see that? This pain you’re in… it’s… it’s hurting me too. Watching you- This is _killing_ me, Luke,” she says softly, moving to stand closer to him, reaching out to touch him, but he flinches away from her. “I love you, Lucas Ripley. I love you so much and I can’t just let you go through this without caring. I don’t want to let you go,” she says, mirroring what he’d said once, so many months ago. She reaches out for him again.

This time, he lets her touch him, but he still won’t look at her and they stand there in the middle of her kitchen, the soft glow of moonlight and the city’s lights seeping through the glass of the windows. Her hand is resting on his shoulder and she’s turned towards him, but he isn’t looking at her. Instead, Lucas’ gaze is trained on the floor and his entire body is rigid with tension, but his hand trembles and his shoulders shake minutely, and Vic knows just how much he is hurting.

His eyes are still averted; he’s clearly avoiding showing her his pain but she won’t let him push her away so easily or hurt on his own for too long. And, then, finally he looks at her and his eyes are glassy with unshed tears, a haunted look deeply imbedded in them. “Oh, Lucas,” she mutters softly before wrapping her arms tightly around him, pulling him towards her and into an embrace. He’s frozen for several minutes in her arms before his own arms wrap around her waist and he buries his head in the crook of her neck, in her curly hair that smells of wild flowers and vanilla.

“It’s okay,” she says softly, “let it out. It’s okay,” she whispered soothingly, standing on her toes as she continued rubbing his back. “I’m here, Lucas. I’m here,” she whispered again. “I’m not letting you go.”

And, then, he broke. His body shook, wracked with sobs as tears fell down his cheeks and onto her shoulder as she rubbed circles across his back, trying in vain to comfort him. But, all she could do was hold him, her arms wound tightly around him, her chin tucked over his shoulder. Vic’s own heart ached as Lucas crumbled in her arms, and though she was offering as much comfort as she could, she wasn’t sure she was doing it right. But, then again, she hadn’t done this sort of thing before, not with him, not ever. Lucas himself always kept his emotions – the negative ones – controlled, never letting her see him when he was in any kind of emotional distress or pain. Even the few times he’d allowed her to comfort him after a nightmare, or when they’d talked about the bad calls they’d had, it had never been like this. This heartbreaking.

There isn’t much she can do at the moment but hold him, her arms wrapped tightly around him, her body pressed close to his. His face is buried in the crook of her neck and she can feel his tears soak her t-shirt as he clings to her desperately. She can feel his body shake with sobs and she threads her fingers through his hair, her lips brushing against his skin, pressing soft kisses of comfort. She’d never seen him this broken, this devastated, and she’s shaken to her core by it.

“It’s all my fault… it was all my fault,” he mumbles against her shoulder, voice broken and shaky. Vic presses a kiss to his neck before pulling slightly away to look into his eyes and her heart breaks all over again when she sees the raw emotion and vulnerability in his tear-filled and red-rimmed blue eyes. She shakes her head as her fingers wipe away the tears on his face.

“No, no, Luke, no,” she whispers softly. “It wasn’t your fault, you have to know that,” she says, but she can see that he doesn’t quite believe her. So, Vic just holds him and hopes that he can forgive himself.

Eventually, as dawn breaks on the horizon, his sobs subside, and now he’s just clinging to her. [Desperately].

They’d grown tired of standing, and sank down on the kitchen floor, just holding each other.

“Okay?” she asks quietly, almost afraid, he’d fallen asleep, but his blue eyes meet hers.

“Yeah. I, uh, I needed that, thanks.”

“Of course. Anytime.”

“I love you, Toria,” he whispers resting his forehead against hers.

“I love you, too, Luke,” she says.

And then, he kisses her, his lips desperate, salty with tears against hers. Vic cups his cheeks, her hands drifting to the back of his neck, fingers threading through his hair. Lucas holds her tightly, his hands meandering up her back, fingers tangling in her hair.

The kiss is everything. All the pain, all the heartbreak, all the love they both feel.

When they pull away, breathless and panting, Vic caresses his cheek gently, gazing fondly in his eyes.

“You need help, she says, and he nods.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I think you need to stop running scenes for a while,” she states.

“I know. I’ll put my name off the roster,” he says softly.

“I think you need a break from the job,” she adds.

“I ca-” he cuts himself off, shakes his head before letting out a defeated sigh. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she nods before pressing another gentle kiss to his lips.

* * *

_5 months later_

Vic waits for him like she always does and then she spots him coming out of the building. His lips are on hers the moment he enters the jeep, his hands cupping her cheeks.

“I love you,” he says and she smiles.

“I love you, too, Luke,” she whispers before kissing him again.

With her support, he’d gone to therapy after that night. His therapist had prescribed him antidepressants, which he was still on, keeping his PTSD controlled. The first month, he’d gone to talk therapy three times a week, every week and could only sleep with a sleeping aid.

He’d suspended himself, putting the Deputy Chief in charge for three weeks in the beginning, but had returned when his therapist had allowed him to go back to paperwork and other non-fire related things. He’d kept himself off the on-call roster for the entire time until his therapist would clear him for duty. He also attended peer support groups every week, and Vic went to him every time she wasn’t on shift. He didn’t speak at first, but after the first month, he started sharing little bits.

Over the past five months they’d connected in a different way, and Vic had seen their relationship had strengthened. They could read each other better, they knew what the other needed, they were more attuned to each other.

Still, Lucas was not the same, and Vic knew he might never be. But, that was okay because he was still the man she’d fallen in love with and he loved her.

“Did she clear you?” she asks as she starts the engine. Lucas’ expression breaks into a smile and Vic beams back.

“Yeah,” he says and Vic smiles fondly at him.

“Good,” she says, reaching across the console to lace her fingers with his. Lucas squeezes her hand.

They have dinner and cuddle on the couch before going upstairs. Wordlessly, they reach for each other, lips meeting each other half way, his fingers tangling in her hair, hers threading through his blonde curls. They fall backwards onto the bed, clinging to each other, legs tangled together.

It’s 0200 when Vic wakes, Lucas tense beside her. She turns to face him, shifting closer to him, though not quite touching him.

“You okay?” she asks quietly.

“Sorry I woke you, go back to sleep,” he says, but Vic shakes her head.

“Luke… what is it?”

“Nightmare,” he states.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.

“No,” he says, shifting closer to her.

“What do you want?”

“You,” he says simply.

“I’m here,” she says softly and presses herself closer to him. “I’m right here, Luke.” He reaches for her, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her almost desperately to him. And, then, he presses his lips to hers and Vic wraps her hands around his neck. He kisses her thoroughly, his lips rough, yet warm on hers.


End file.
